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Brokeback Mountain Biker AwardsEvery year, we go through the same Fall Moab rituals, which includes about a thousand emails to determine logistics and assignments. Dug is ultimately in charge, but in a passive way. If our biking group were assigned jury duty, Dug would play the Henry Fonda character in 12 Angry Men, subtly manipulating everyone to see it his way. To continue with the analogy, Rick would be the foreman who calls the shots until he gets his feelings hurt, and then he says, "Boy, I don't care what you do!" Anyway, after every Fall Moab trip, I take a page out of Bill Simmons' book and write up awards based on quotes from a movie. Given the fact that this year's theme was "Brokeback Mountain Bikers," this year's movie is a no-brainer. For pictures, movies, and a more detailed description, see Elden's new blog.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Do you think I'm going too fast? Maybe I should put on the brakes?" "Fast or slow, I like the direction you're going." To... Tom. Tom is a corn-fed man-boy who now lives in Iowa. He drinks beer and eats Hostess Ding-Dongs all year long and then flies to Utah for the annual Moab trip. I'm glad he comes out because he's the only one of us who's fatter and blotchier than I am. (Is it any coincidence that the two guys who live outside Utah are the only Clydesdales?) Tom's got that agro thing going, so everything is either a confirmation of his manhood or an assault on his manhood. Every year, different guys will come up to me and say some variation of "I think this is the year when Tom goes out on a Medivac."
So there's this really, really steep hill at Slickrock. It may even be really, really, really steep -- I was too terrified to measure. For those of you who know the Slickrock bike trail, it's the one just past the halfpipe and to the right as you're heading out. A few riders had already gone down this 50-foot drop, and it was Tom's turn. He started his descent, slid out a little bit, and just decided to release his brakes. He slammed into the sand from a free fall, bottomed out his fork, and managed to stay on his bike. "AAARGH!" he yelled. Fast or slow, Tom, I like the direction you're going.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "This is a one-shot thing we got goin' on here." This award goes to ... Botched. You may think that was your first and only trip to Fall Moab with us. You know deep down that you'll be coming back.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "You boys sure found a way to make the time pass up there. Twist, you guys wasn't gettin' paid to leave the dogs babysittin' the sheep while you stem the rose." I don't know who deserves this award, but I had to include it. When I watched the movie, I had no idea what "stem the rose" meant. Still don't, but it's a great expression. I'm going to start using it all the time.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "I wish I knew how to quit you." The most memorable line of the movie goes to Paul, who had the best line of the weekend. He rides his bike once a year -- during the Fall Moab trip -- and the rest of the year he's a judge. You know, the guy in court who wears the black robe and smacks a gavel. He also drinks beer once a year -- during the Fall Moab trip -- and even though he drinks only that one beer, he asks someone to be a designated driver for the rest of the evening. He's a straight-laced guy, the most honest person I know. So when some drunk guy asked him a crude question about whether he was going to masturbate in the hot tub, I thought Paul was going to smile and ignore it. Instead, he said, "I haven't decided where I'm going to ejaculate tonight." OK, maybe you had to be there. You see, he's a judge, and his head is bald. Oh, nevermind.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "There ain't no reins on this one." To... Fatty, who broke Rich's record for the crash that took the longest time to complete. Last year, while trying the Z move at the beginning of Slickrock, Rich fell over with the bike on top of him and oozed down the slope for about 12 seconds. This year, Fatty set the new unofficial record of performing a crash that lasted a full 15 seconds.
We were trying to ride up a double-ledge move that was up against a rock on the Slickrock trail. It's a pretty easy move for those of us on geared bikes, but Fatty had his single speed, which meant he had to get up a bunch of speed and muscle his way over. He rattled up to the top of the second ledge, couldn't make the last pedal stroke, and fell to his side against the rock, precariously balanced. He let go of his handlebars to grab the rock, but he couldn't get a grip. As he was splayed with his back against the wall, slowly sliding down, we noticed a look of terror on Elden's face, which cracked us up. His mouth made a perfect circle, like the bad guy in that Scream movie. He slid awkwardly down off the top ledge, almost pulled it together, lost his grip again, and finally, mercifully, tumbled onto the ground with one of his feet still stuck in the pedal. I tried to free him from the wreckage, but he would have none of it.
Fortunately, he made up for his slow crash. On the next attempt, he hit the ledge at speed, snagged his front tire, and completed an endo in less that a half-second. Splat. Average wreckage time for the move: 7.67 seconds.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "You don't say much but you get your point across." To... Rick Sunderlage (or whatever his name is). He doesn't say much, and he isn't always trying to crack jokes like some of us. He's got a wicked sense of humor with the perfect turn of phrase. I don't know how much to say without being crude, so I'll let you figure out how a flying squirrel relates to a glass shower.
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"Don't try and fool me no more, Ennis; I know what it means! Jack Twist. Jack Nasty! You didn't go up there to fish!" To ... Kenny and Brad and Aaron, who each brought a cooler full of beer for the after-ride party. If you drink five or six beers and toss around a football as the sun sets over a red mesa, you feel pretty damn good, almost as if the biking were secondary. Almost. By the way, I love the sense of powerlessness and deep-seated bitterness that line conveys. "Jack Twist. Jack Nasty!" I said this before on my old blog, but this movie losing out to Crash in the Academy Awards is almost as bad as The English Patient winning over movies that included Fargo.
Action item: Review the greatest Academy Award injustices.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Earlier today I was castrating calves." This award goes to those of us who hate our jobs. A couple of guys were dealing with post-layoff blues, another guy was trying to figure out the best way to lay off people he'd hired, and one or two others are just bored with their jobs.
I used to have a great job, but now there's a certain manager, Schmoozan, who makes me resent having a boss for the first time in my life. She makes the "I'm going to need to go ahead and have to ask you to work this weekend" boss in Office Space seem competent by comparison. When I ask a simple question that should have a simple answer, she vacillates and hedges and obfuscates. Once, she told me not to "worry my pretty little head" about an issue that turned into a fire drill a month later. Schmoozan has a clock in her office with reversed numbers and hands that run counter-clockwise. When I told her it was off, she bragged about how people had a difficult time figuring out what time it was when they were in her office. So her clock runs backwards, it's ten minutes slow, and it hasn't been adjusted for daylight savings, and she's proud of that?
Anyway, some of us really needed this trip.
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"The Pentecost... I don't... I don't know what the pentacost is. I guess it means the world ends and guys like you and me march off to hell." To ...Rocky. Rocky is a good-natured, good-hearted religious guy who puts up with a lot of immature nonsense without coming across as judgemental. Last year, we speculated that his pentecostal nature allowed him to make deus ex machina technical moves -- you know, his strength is as the strength of ten because his heart is pure -- but he really didn't ride that well this year. Fall from grace, Rocky?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "This is MY house, that is MY kid, and YOU are MY guest, and you will sit your arrogant ass down before I knock it into next week!" The best scene in the movie goes to the best rider: Kenny. He may not be quite as bold as Botched on downhill stunts, but he powers himself over some amazing moves on his single speed bike. Then again, Brad made nearly all the same moves Kenny did, and he won the downhill race. Nope, Kenny wins. Sorry, Brad.
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"Only 'bout three seconds I was on that bronc. Next thing I knew, I was flyin' through the air... only I wasn't no angel like you and Jenny here; didn't have no wings. And that's the story of my saddle bronc career." This award goes to Dug, who hopped back on his pig to do a move that required a bike with gears. Dug forgot about the fork with six inches of travel, so when he dropped off a ledge, he flipped over his handlebars and did a sweet face plant that left a scab on his chin. He didn't have no wings neither. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "You know friend, this is a god damn bitch of an unsatisfactory situation." I'll take this one. I'm 5'8" and weigh a 190 pounds buck naked. These days, I'm built for comfort, not for speed. If you watch the videos that Dug took, I appear to be in perfectly good position to finish a move, and then I just stop time after time, as if I got too pooped to finish the move. I'll tell you what -- this inner tube around my waist is a bitch of an unsatisfactory situation. I need to stop stemmin' the rose and get my act together.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "No more beans." This award is all yours, Fatty, and you know exactly why. No more beans, no more red meat, no more Mexican food. My eyes are still watery.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "You know I ain't queer." "Me neither." To... Brad, who kept rubbing our shoulders and hugging us and challenging everyone to wrestling all weekend. Brad, if I ever catch you sucking on my penis again, I'm going to think you're a little bit queer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "Tell you what. The truth is... sometimes I miss you so much I can hardly stand it." To... Moab. I get weepy just thinking about the red rocks, juniper bushes, and wide open skies.
Fall Moab 2006 Review: 9 out of 10
-Bob
Review of Disney PrincessesAs a father of twin four-year-old girls, I have recently become expert in the field of princesses, especially of the Disney variety. You might think that the definition of a Disney Princess would be reasonably simple. Something like:
But it is not this simple. Of the eight canonical Disney Princesses, at many as 50% are not from the ruling class at all (I'm not sure whether Snow White was royalty). One of the fanciful costumes consists of nothing but a pair of seashells. And one of the princesses falls for what is -- let's face it -- an animal. Ew. With the inconsistencies of what makes a Disney Princess a princess in mind, perhaps it is wise to simply accept that a Disney Princess is any movie heroine (quantity and quality of heroics notwithstanding) that Disney says is a Disney Princess. This is perhaps a circuitous definition, but we here at Random Reviewer aren't out to change the world. Just evaluate it. Let's get started, reviewing in the order I remember them.
And I'll bet her tall collar is constantly getting in the way of her peripheral vision. The real problem with Snow White, though, is her voice. Even when speaking her voice is unnaturally high and grating, and when she sings, her voice reaches octaves that shatter my eyeballs. Bonus Snow White Water Cooler Game: The next time you want to start a lively discussion, ask a group of people this question: "Seven Dwarfs. One bullet. Who do you kill?" People's answers will tell you a lot about them. Snow White's Rating as a Disney Princess: 0.5 Mickeys -- Snow White is a complete failure.
At least she has those mischievous rodents to help her out, not to mention the magic grandma. But I have a few questions regarding this movie:
Cinderella's Rating as a Disney Princess: 3.5 Mickeys
Still, I worry about Jasmine. Look at her eyes. They're enormous. They're beyond enormous. If the part we can see is that big, consider the diameter of those massive spheres going back into her head. I really don't think there's room for anything but eyeballs in that head. Bonus, points go to Jasmine for being an actual princess. These are counteracted, however, by her keeping a tiger as a pet. I think most enlightened souls would agree with me that tigers need to roam free, not be caged on palace grounds. And I furthermore suggest that someday the tiger's going to wake up in a bad mood, which could mark the beginning of a short, bloody day for Jasmine. Jasmine's Rating as a Disney Princess: 5 Mickeys
Nope, I couldn't remember it either. (It's Aurora, to save you the hassle of looking it up). Why can't you remember her name? Because she's an utterly unimportant character in this film. She's hardly a character at all, really. She's nothing more than a "maguffin" -- a term Alfred Hitchcock coined to indicate a desirable object multiple characters in a film pursue. By the end of this film, we still don't know her, don't care about her, and are pretty confident the elevator pitch for this movie went like "It's Snow White meets Cinderella!" Sleeping Beauty's Rating as a Disney Princess: 1 Mickey
Still, some things have changed. For one thing, she sings well. For another thing, she wears a bikini top made of shells (seems like that would be really uncomfortable whenever sand or grit got in between the shells and your skin). And Ariel, while little more than a silly teenage girl, at least made her own decisions and took action. That's (minor) progress. Ariel's Rating as a Disney Princess: 4.2 Mickeys Pocahontas Pocahontas Rating as a Disney Princess: Not Known
I do like the way Belle rejects the town brute. I like the way she sets off on her own to rescue her father. I like the way she has that dangle of hair that keeps slipping down on her forehead. It's endearing.
Finally, you've got to question Belle's taste in men. For one thing, he's quite clearly an animal. For another, he's not very nice. Finally, anyone who would hire a teapot that sounds just like Angela Lansbury has got to be pretty messed up. Belle's Rating as a Disney Princess: 5.1437 Mickeys
Mulan uses her head, shows she's strong, makes friends, and otherwise kicks butt during this film. Oh, sure, this message is somewhat compromised by showing her doing all these things when she's impersonating a man, but you can't have everything, right? Oh, and Eddie Murphy does a great job with the animated dragon. Does anyone else wonder why Eddie Murphy is now great at voiceover work (Mulan, Shrek, Shrek 2), but can non longer appear in a live action movie without embarassing himself? Mulan's Rating as a Disney Princess: 7 Mickeys, and a Donald thrown in for good measure -Elden Review of Lance Armstrong’s ESPYs Opening MonologueThe ESPYs are ESPN’s self-congratulatory, sports world version of the Oscars. But like the Oscars, they provide a few really good moments. Like Jon Stewart’s joke about piracy, where he points out to the audience of millionaires in diamonds and pearls, and says “These are the people you’re stealing from!”
I must admit, I’ve never watched the ESPYs. In fact, didn’t watch the ESPYs this year. But because I’m an avowed cycling geek, I watched Lance Armstrong’s opening monologue of the ESPYs on YouTube. And if you don’t know what YouTube is, then, I must tell you that I knew John F. Kennedy Jr, and you sir, are NO John F. Kennedy Jr.
Anyway. Lance Armstrong’s Opening Monologue for the 2006 ESPYs. Have you ever seen an interview with Lance Armstrong? Generally, my Mom is a better interview. Seriously. He’s got that whole “take it one day at a time, some days you win, some days you lose, some days it rains . . . think about that” thing going. Oh, sure, there are times when he’s really mad or has an axe to grind (well, that’s always, but I mean one he wants to grind in public), where he’ll just go off on something or someone, like Dick Pound, but really, who wouldn’t go off on someone named Dick Pound every chance they got? Like Dick Pound and his parents don’t deserve what they get?
In light of all this, I expected Mr. Armstrong to be a bit dry in his hosting. Not so. I would, in fact, hire Mr. Armstrong to host my next Bar Mitzvah. Yup, that’s my rating for him. “Would Hire To Host Next Bar Mitzvah.”
Let’s break it down. Spoiler Alert!--I actually speak, er, type, some of the jokes in this review. There, I said it. Lance came out like all hosts come out, dressed in a black suit, white shirt, no tie (I like the no tie—Lance gets a merit for no tie.), but as he walked toward the audience, he flashed double peace signs. The only thing geekier than flashing double peace signs would have been a gigantic grin and a double thumbs up. So he gets a demerit for the double peace signs, canceling out the good will he garnered with the suit/no tie look.
And here it comes, the big opening joke, everybody’s waiting, what’s it going to be, it sets the stage for the whole night, will LA kill, or be killed, do we get the stiff cards-close-to-the-vest LA, or the loose, I-hate-Dick-Pound-and-want-him-to-die LA?
Lance opens with “I’m here for the same reason all of you are here: I’m a HUGE Lance Armstrong fan.” I’m going to call this a push. Can’t tell yet, but he isn’t dying, he seems loose.
But he goes straight into his “I’d give my left nut to host the ESPYs joke.” I like it. He’s already combined arrogance with self-deprecation, and a testicle joke to boot. He’s officially on the rise here. Clearly he’s been practicing, but not too much.
Now, the heart of comedy is unpredictability. Well, actually, unpredictability is more like the Brains of comedy. The heart of comedy is suffering. But either way, we can feel LA is going to talk a bit about the Tour de France (he doesn’t really, ever, except very obliquely), and we feel like he’s going to tell us how much he loves France. Which would be really lame.
Which is why the next joke just kills. He says something about having a great time in France, makes a lame (not lame enough for a demerit, but lame nonetheless) joke about peeing in a cup, and then delivers the bomb. France just made the finals of the World Cup, he says, and ALL their players tested positive. For being Assholes. In one quick phrase, LA skewers France and the French, and lays waste to the audience. He’s now officially on a roll.
And we reach the lame middle portion, where he starts some shout outs. You know, “Lebron James is in the HOUSE!” stuff. Lame. But again unpredictability lifts him out of the doldrums and into the realm of comedy. “Hi Carmen” he purrs at Carmen Electra. Who doesn’t love a good Carmen Electra joke? The audience goes wild.
Followed up by a fantastic Bode Miller, “totally sober tonight, only drinks when he races” joke. You know what, forget it, I’m going to break my vow and watch the Pamela Anderson celebrity roast. You can’t get this kind of humor anywhere else.
Uh oh, LA has just introduced Jake Gyllenhaal, and made reference to Brokeback Mountain. Who in the world knows what’s coming next? Impossible to predict. Here it comes, wait for it . . . YESS! A “Hey Jake, I thought you liked it in the rear” joke. What’s not to like? A serious demerit from the distinguishing viewing public.
Ahh, who am I kidding, I’m the guy who thought “There’s Something About Mary” was the best comedy in the history of comedies.
Here comes the retirement bit, predictable, sure, but requisite, since, well, he DID retire this year, and so he calls out other distinguished athletes who retired this year. And here’s a brutal and unforeseen retirement zinger directed at Mister “I can choke whenever I want, I’ve won the damned major already” Phil Mickleson. Nicely done.
Lance now jumps to a slide show of his retirement, filled with really lame and unremarkable jokes like a picture of him on the beach with his bike. Ha ha. Whew, go on, you’re killing me. This bit is rescued from the depths, however, by a very funny and nasty dig at Isaiah Thomas and the New York Knicks. Ohh, I wish Isaiah was in the house, he might have rushed the stage, or had LA killed.
Armstrong wraps up his surprisingly strong monologue with a little bit about accusations and hinting at drug use. And . . . Mr. Teflon skillfully deflects and dodges, kudos to the legal team.
I’m also going to recommend the video clip the ESPN folks put together for LA about his preparation for the ESPYs. This Armstrong character has legs. I’m a fickle guy, and my allegiance can be bought. I’ve flip-flopped on the Armstrong thing so many times the DNC is courting me to be their next presidential candidate.
But today I’m an Armstrong fan. Almost as much as a Floyd fan. --dug Review of My World Cup ReviewOne of the things I admire about sportswriters is their utter lack of accountability. You never hear a sportswriter say, "You know what? I was completely wrong in my pre-game analysis and prediction. The truth is that I had no idea what would happen, and I have no idea what will happen next. Since your guess is as good as mine, I'm going to write about sea slugs." Fortunately, I am a novelist, not a sportswriter, so I am willing to assess my assessments.
What I Got RightThe stretcher. It's just ridiculous to allow someone who was carried off on a stretcher back into the game five minutes later. Even though I'm a libertarian at heart, there oughta be a law...
Argentina. I wrote, "They seem like the kind of dominant, dazzling team that's going to lose in one of those anti-climactic penalty kick shoot-outs. Call it a hunch." Argentina lost to Germany on penalty kicks.
What I Got WrongFrance. I wasn't impressed with France: "When I've seen Thierry Henry play for Arsenal, he's a constant threat. With France, he looks confused and heartbroken." Granted, that may have been the case in pool play, when France had to win their final game to advance, but Henry has been awesome in the elimination games. He looks like the best striker in the world again. By the way, that's one of the cool things about the World Cup -- you can say, "best x in the world" and not exaggerate.
Italy. I failed to mention Italy as a team that impressed me. I thought they'd lose to either Germany or Argentina in the semis, so I didn't mention them. In case you're not aware, Italy plays France in the finals on Sunday.
Australia. I should have come down much harder on the Socceroos.
Brazil. I thought the only way they could lose was by penalty kicks or in one of those ugly games where they dominate the other team but somehow manage to lose on bad luck. But France dominated Brazil. Watching that game made me think that if those two teams played 10 times, France would go 7-1-2.
England. When England lost to Portugal on penalty kicks, I felt sad and downhearted for the rest of the weekend. I didn't know I cared that much about soccer. While I like England, I despise Portugal, so it hurt to see a bunch of whiney cheap-shots advance. Portugal is the Pittsburgh Steelers of the soccer world.
Rooney shouldn't have been given a red card — shoving a player and stomping on another guy's testicles is part of the game — but he would have been red-carded sooner or later. He was having a terrible game, and I'm not just talking about whiffing on a point-blank shot in front of millions of people. He kept giving up the ball, so it was only a matter of time before that stocky little thug hauled off and smacked someone.
Flopping. Speaking of Portugal, how could I not mention flopping in my list of disappointments? I suppose if you watch a lot of soccer, you get used to flopping and see it as gamesmanship, but for people like me who don't watch that much soccer, it reminds me why having the World Cup every four years is perfect.
CONCACEF. I blasted the teams from CONCACEF, but the U.S.A. is the only team to score a goal against Italy. If Italy beats France, that means the U.S.A. has the second best soccer team in the world. U!S!A! U!S!A! U!S!A!
Final PredictionItaly will beat France on penalty kicks after a 0-0 tie.
-Bob |
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