Hammacher Schlemmer bills itself as "America's Longest Running Catalog," with the tagline "Offering the Best, the Only and the Unexpected for 158 years."

How right they are.

I don't let a week go by without purchasing one thing or another from this venerable institution. I shall now review several of my recent Hammacher Schlemmer purchases, each of which is available in the Holiday Preview 2006 catalog.

The 37" Electronic Message Board
I frequently have messages of which I would like my coworkers to be aware. The problem is, until now I haven't had a way to really call their attention to what I have to say. I have solved this problem handily with the 37" Electronic Message Board, a three-foot wide LED screen sitting on my desk. Now I can rest assured that anyone who passes by my office knows that I am wishing them a "HAPPY MONDAY!!!" or "HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARGARET!!!"

I can't believe that I used to have to talk to people, call them, or send email to deliver this kind of message. Now that I have my Message Board, those old techniques seem so quaint. Primitive, really.

To be honest, though, I have a couple of little quibbles with this message board. I, like many busy executives, don't have a lot of free time, and so will sometimes neglect to update my electronic message board -- full-alphabet built-in keyboard notwithstanding -- as often as I'd like. As a result, I will sometimes leave my "HAPPY MONDAY!!!" message up until Thursday, and once inadvertantly wished the office staff a "HAPPY HANNUKAH!" until a week before Passover. That was embarassing.

Rating: Super Awesome!

The Hot Dog Rotisserie
There's nothing I like more than going to a 7-11 and getting one of those hot dogs that have been on the rolling rotisserie for six hours. So when I found I could purchase one of these awesome hot dog cookers for my self, of course I jumped at the opportunity.

What surprised me about this modern cooking wonder, though, is how convenient it is. Before, when I wanted to cook a hot dog, I had to either throw it in the microwave for 30 seconds or heat it in a pan for two minutes.

What a drag.

Now, with my Hot Dog Rotisserie, I simply place the hot dog(s) on the rollers, and forget about them. Then, a mere six minutes later, I catch the hot dog up in a bun, add some condiments (I like ketchup, mustard, mayo and relish), and I'm all set!

Cleanup's a snap, too. I just throw the cover in the dishwasher, scrape out the grease pan, scour it with steel wool, wash and hand dry it, then handwash the individual rollers. This cleanup process takes me no more than half an hour. Easy!

Rating: Hot Dog-Tastic!

The 120-MPH Electric Car
I admit, my wife gave me a little grief for buying this car. At US$108,000.00, it put a fair dent in all our credit cards. And I had to take a second mortgage on the house. And I had to sell my car and my wife's minivan.

"Well, answer me this, Ms. Grouch-a-lot" I told my wife. "Can your minivan (before I sold it, I mean) go from zero to 60 in four seconds? Does it have a top speed of 120mph? Does it run on electricity? Can you park it on the sidewalk?

Of course, she had to answer "no" to all those questions. I guess I told her!

My wife then pointed out that for the same amount of money, I could have purchased a motorcycle that goes 0-60 in under four seconds, a Prius, a nice luxury sports car with a top-end speed well above 120mph, and a top-of-the-line bicycle, for when I really felt the need to park on the sidewalk. And, she says, I'd still have had enough money left over to buy an electric golf cart, which she maintains my new car looks like.

My wife has no imagination. Nor, apparently, does she have much of a sense of adventure, because she steadfastly refuses to go riding in my new 120mph Electric Car with me. Her loss.

Rating: Amazingly Fast, and a Real Looker to Boot!

The Laser Guided Pool Cue
I love playing pool, but -- even though I'm a remarkably good player -- I sometimes don't have an easy time lining up my pool cue with the white ball. "Is this cue pointing at the ball?" I ask myself, concerned. Fortunately, with my Laser Guided Pool Cue, I no longer have to ask that question. With the simple push of a button, a laser beam shoots out of the cue illuminating the ball with a bright red dot.

The only problem -- and I consider this trivial -- is that even after you've identified that the cue is in fact pointing at the ball, you still have to hit the ball with the cue, and due to circumstances beyond my control I will sometimes not hit the ball in the same spot I had the laser pointing at!

Perhaps I need a cue with a bigger laser dot.

I'm going to be honest, though: I think the good folks at Hammacher Schlemmer kind of dropped the ball with this device. For one thing, besides being an effective pool-playing implement, it's also great for just shining on the floor and getting your cat to chase the dot around.

And in fact, that's mostly what I use this cue for nowadays, because the last time I took my laser-assisted pool cue to the local pool hall, the guys there were pretty much divided into two camps: the "laugh at the guy with the laser pool cue" camp and the "let's kick the crap out of the guy with the laser pool cue" camp.

That just shows you what an ugly emotion jealousy is.

Rating: Pool cue of the future! (but I kind of wish that the laser beam were weapons-grade, because that would have come in handy at the pool hall)

The G-Man's Convertible Travel Jacket
What would you do if you had a jacket with 40 pockets? Yes, that's right; I said 40! Well, I'll tell you what I do. I put my cell phone in it, and my iPod, and my wallet, and my glasses, and a pen, and my camera and my car keys. And I still have room for more than 30 more things.

Some nights, I lie awake thinking of new things to put in my jacket: a GameBoy! A granola bar! a small spiral-bound pad of paper! A bottle of water (but not if I'm travelling)!

The first time I travelled with this coat, I also put my plane tickets, passport and visa in this coat. But then I forgot which pocket(s) I had put them in. It took 31 minutes for me to find them, during which some pretty impatient people waiting behind me in line for tickets started getting pretty snippy.

I know, right now you're wondering: "But Elden, did you buy the removable fleece liner that's sold separately?" You bet your frozen patootie I did. And you'll be interested to know that when I've got something in each of my 40 pockets and the fleece liner is zipped in, I can still comfortably fit in this jacket, provided I have assistance in getting the thing on, and wear a weigh-lifters belt to help prevent me from herniating.

Rating: Secret Agent's Delight!

The Fold-Flat Pet Stroller
Answer me this: how do you know that just because you want to take your dog for a walk that your dog wants to go for a walk?

You don't know, that's how.

So what to do? Well, why not put Fido in the Fold-Flat Pet Stroller? It's like a baby stroller, but for pets!

One thing I really appreciate about this stroller is the zippered mesh front cover. By zipping your dog in, you keep him from jumping out and trying to walk along with you, which is a problem I seem to constantly have.

Thanks to the Pet Stroller, though, I'm able to go out with my dog whenever I want, while keeping the dog dormant and contained, the way dogs were meant to be.

Rating: Dog's Best Friend!

-Elden