Many people are fond of recounting their first childhood memories. I am no different. My earliest childhood recollection is of receiving a box of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups as a birthday present when I was five years old. I recall thinking that this was the best birthday present a person could possibly receive, and planning to eat one peanut butter cup per day, to make the treasure last as long as possible.

I do not remember whether I was successful in this plan, but later behaviour throughout my childhood and adulthood would suggest that I probably was not.

Regardless, even at age five, I had already become aware of one of only nine objective truths in the universe: Reese's Peanut Butter Cups is (are?) the best candy in the world.

Or, at least that used to be one of the objective truths in the universe. During the past several years, Hershey's (which, since 1963, has owned the Reese's brand) has extended the Reese's product line, so that nowadays, keeping track of this rampant Reese's proliferation would be a full-time task.

And so, when it recently occurred to me that there are now several Reese's-branded candies I haven't even tried, I decided to rectify this sad, sad situation and evaluate all the Reese's candy products (I'm leaving alone the cookies, brownies, baking chips, ice cream, peanut butter, breakfast cereal, and so forth -- I am, after all, just a man, and have human limitations), to see how they stack up against the original.

For those of you who are wondering: Yes, I did in fact go out, buy, and eat one of each of the items I'm reviewing below, all in one sitting. Why? Because I'm dedicated to my work, that's why.

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups: Original
It's two great tastes that go great together. Harry Reese started making these Candidian confections in 1928 in Hershey, PA (the chocolate in Reese's has always been from Hershey's), and there's been precious little reason to alter the formula. To Hershey's enormous credit, when they bought the Reese's company in 1963, they kept the candy just the same. And why would they change it? (They wouldn't, stupid. That was a rhetorical question. Try to keep up.)
Rating: Nirvana in a waxy brown wrapper, times two.

Reese's Pieces
The Hershey's website declares that Reese's Pieces candy "...creative way to enjoy the creamy taste of REESE'S peanut butter." This, I think, may be overstating their case a bit. What, apart from the conventional waste one creates when consuming any food, is creative about eating Reese's Pieces? Furthermore, couldn't it be accurately said that Reese's Pieces are a fairly non-creative candy product? I mean, they're about as derivative of M&Ms as they can possibly be, right?

That said, The candy shell wrapped around Reese's peanut butter is extraordinarily delicious, though they miss out on the magic of being two great tastes that go great together. Notably, if one eats Reese's Pieces enough, the monotony of the flavor gets to be a drag. My recommendation: pour a bag of Reese's Pieces into a bowl. Pour a bag of M&Ms into a bowl. Mix. Enjoy. You now have the excellent candy shell texture that makes M&Ms great, as well as the extraordinary peanut butter and chocolate taste combination that is Reese's claim to fame.
Rating: Good alone, great when mixed with M&Ms.

Reese's Pieces with Peanuts
Say you've got some peanut butter. Now you put a peanut in it. Have you made that peanut butter peanuttier, or less so? This is a question for philosophers, and I do not intend to address it. However, I will say this: when you start aping every little thing M&Ms do, you don't win any points with the candy snob crowd.

But how do they taste? Well, like peanut butter and peanuts. Hard to be much peanuttier than that. Which is the problem. How about a little contrast, fellas?
Rating: Tedious

Reese's Fast Break
Oh, these just suck. I cannot believe that they made it through usability or consumer taste-testing or whatever Hershey does before it green-lights a candy, but the combination of "nougat" (that semi-chewy fluffy stuff that has no real taste of its own, apart from sweetness) with peanut butter and chocolate creates a surprising disharmony of texture and taste. I will never eat another of these in my life. Even if they're free. Even if I'm paid. OK, I'd eat one if I were paid, but I'd haggle over how much.
Rating: Not worthy of the "Reese's" brand

Reese's Big Cup and Big Cup with Nuts
You know, at some point, the guys at Hershey's / Reese's are going to need to admit that they've run out of new ideas for candy. My suspicion is they probably should have made this admission as they released the "Big Cup." to the market. Because here's what's different about them: Instead of getting two peanut butter cups, you get one, but it's deeper.

That's it. That's the whole difference. Seriously. That's the whole thing.

Just in case this hasn't occurred to you, let me tell you something about the Big Cup: You can get the same effect by buying the original package and stacking the two peanut butter cups on top of each other.

 Then, just to show that they were really out of ideas, they did another version of the  "Big Cup," but with peanuts.

I think by inference, we can assume that before long we will see a Big Fast Break, Big Fast Break with Peanuts, Big Reese's Pieces, and Big Reese's Pieces with Peanuts all on the market. Hey, they've got to make sure they're covering their bases, right?
Rating: Smells like desperation

Reese's Nutrageous
You know, in all honesty I should probably take a break from eating these things, because I have a suspicion I've reached the point of diminishing returns, consumption-of-Reese's-candy-in-one-sitting-wise.

But that's not my way. Onward!

Reese's NutRageous is a great candy bar. It's basically a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup, but with caramel and peanuts. Caramel, peanut butter, peanuts, chocolate: count me in.

Here's the problem, though. Any time you have a candy bar where you rely on chocolate to keep the peanuts attached, you're on the candy equivalent of thin ice. As soon as you take a bite of the NutRageous, the chocolate on the rest of the candy bar cracks and splinters, and the peanuts start falling off, leaving you to execute ninja-style catches so the chocolatey, caramelly peanuts don't hit the floor. And you don't want those peanuts to hit the floor, because the five-second rule doesn't apply to caramel-coated items.
Rating: Sweet spot convergence of the holy trinity of candy: chocolate, peanuts, caramel

White Chocolate Reese's Peanut Butter Cups
From an intellectual perspective, I can understand why Hershey's decided to try making a white chocolate peanut butter cup. I mean, why not?

From a consumer's point of view, though, this abomination makes no sense whatsoever. Anyone who loves chocolate knows that white chocolate is not chocolate at all. It exists for the sole purpose of being a cake decorator's aid. You use it to complement the monotonous brown color on that wedding cake. But you don't--repeat, don't--make the mistake of thinking that people actually seek out white chocolate as something to eat.

The wonderful complementing tastes of chocolate and peanut butter is missing in this travesty of candy; the peanut butter entirely overwhelms the wimpy non-flavor of white chocolate. And the white chocolate has the wrong texture, too; it doesn't melt at the right moment, doesn't break apart around the rim of the cup correctly, doesn't look right.

This is lousy, awful candy, a hateful mockery of the best candy ever made. I resent its existence.
Rating: Huh?!

ReeseSticks
Hey, where'd the apostraphe go? They couldn't have called them "Reese's Sticks?" Well, we'll let it slide because these are really, really good. They're like Twix, but with peanut butter. Yes, once again, the good folks at Hershey's imitated other candy makers, instead of creating something new and different, but the fact is, the Twix formula applied to the Reese's chocolate/peanut butter blend works like magic. Smooth peanut butter + crisp wafer + chocolate = happy reviewer.

See, I'm not too snobby about originality when the result of the plagiarism is something I want to eat.
Rating: Deliciously derivative!

Reese's Poppable-esque Candy
I swear, I've had these. They deserve to be reviewed. But they aren't on the Reese's website, and I can't find reference to them anywhere on the web. Is it possible that Mars successfully sued Hershey's for imitating this kind of candy and Reese's Peanut Butter poppable-ish candy is now off the market? Or can I just not find it? As I recall, these were delicious as can be, and about as addictive as crack. Not that I've ever tried crack, or I'd be reviewing it.
Rating: I'm flummoxed

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups with Caramel (NEW!)
What an awesome new idea! This is completely new! Well, except for Nutrageous, which is the same thing, except it also has peanuts.

Hold it. I take that back. I've got to be honest with you. I wrote that first paragraph before I ate one of these things. I just wasn't sure I could eat any more candy.

But, due to a remarkable sense of duty and an unflappable, iron will (also, I am very handsome and have a steely gaze), I resolved to fulfill my charge as a Random Reviewer: I ate one of these new Reese's with Caramel.

Wow.

They rock.

Somehow, Reese's got the chocolate / peanut butter / caramel mix just right with this new candy. You can taste all three at the same time. The textures work together. The caramel isn't stiff and chewy, but it doesn't just slop down your chin, either. I'll go so far as to say that it's almost as good as the original.
Rating: Caramel-icious

-Elden

I was born in 1966, which means I am one of the elder statesmen of Generation X. Well, more middle-aged statesman, but I’m diverging from my point before I even get close to making it.

My point is that my generation grew up watching The Jetsons (did you know the voice actor who did Astro also did Scooby Doo? It’s obvious when you think about it) and therefore had the very reasonable expectation that our lives would have a technologically-enhanced convenience and simplicity.

In general, my generation is disappointed with the way things have turned out. I still have to dress myself, for example. I still have to drive my car, which does not fly. I still have to purchase, transport, store, prepare, and chew my own food.

I do not, however, have to clean my shower.

 

The Best $20 I Have Ever Spent

I bought the Scrubbing Bubbles® Automatic Shower Cleaner within a few days of buying my new house. I did this in desperate hope that it really would work, because the shower is largish, with tile for the floor and two walls, along with glass for the remaining wall and door.

I popped the battery into the main unit, upended the magical cleaning stuff into it, and hung the works above the shower nozzle. That took less than five minutes, because I am a very capable, competent person. I’m handsome, too, but that’s neither here nor there.

I told my wife how to use the cleaner: push the blue button as you exit the shower. That’s it. Then, thirty seconds later, a little sprinkler spins around, hosing off your shower with low-strength cleaner.

In the six weeks we have lived at our house, we have not cleaned the shower. Instead, we just push the button. And the shower stays clean. Really clean. Jetsons-clean.

 

Cost

The main dispenser thingy cost $20 at a grocery store, with enough cleaner to last about a month. Where the Scrubbing Bubbles people hope to make their money, of course, is in refills. That’s about seven bucks per month. Which is a bargain.

 

Recommendation and Final Thoughts

The Scrubbing Bubbles® Automatic Shower Cleaner is the most wonderful time-saving device ever invented, and goes a long way toward satisfying my desperate desire to have my life automated. As such, I recommend this device even more strongly than you think I do.

I can hardly wait ‘til the kitchen version comes out.

-Elden

Front View

• Pro: Handsome. As a novelist, I seriously dislike the use of adverbs. Why say "really big" when you can simply say "humongous"? Yet here, I think "handsome" needs some adverbial help. If this were my novel, I'd spend a couple hours typing and deleting different adverbs. Strikingly handsome. Devilishly handsome. Powerful handsome. Since this is a blog, and a community blog at that, I'm not going to obsess over the perfect adverb to define my perfectly handsome visage.
• Pro: My goatee looks fantastic.
• Con: There is an odd swoop near the back of my head, giving the mistaken impression that a tuft of hair is missing back there.
• Con: Along with a bit of middle-aged puffiness, the full and fuzzy hair appears post-masculine, kind of like William Shatner. Speaking of William Shatner, don't just check out this video. Schedule a meeting for you and your friends, get everyone you can possibly find into your office, and play this. It's unbelievable.
• Con: I need a haircut. I almost always need a haircut. There are two reasons for this. First, I don't own a Flowbee. Second, I can't stand being around barbers, who press me to pay attention to their ramblings ("...and that was the last time I ate a dilly bar. Don't that just beat all?"). Nor do I like salon stylists, who press their bodies against my arms in ways that make me feel uncomfortable. This is what my hair looked like a couple weeks before my most recent haircut.

Bonus Photo

 

Side View

• Con: My nose is red for no reason.
• Con: The image is blurry. I would have demanded that Wendy reshoot this photo, but she was already upset with me for demanding a photo shoot at the same time we were putting the boys to bed. Things got worse when I told her that I needed wet hair to get a different view. I dunked my head in the boys' bathtub, applied some hair gel, and here is the result.

Alternate Front View

• Pro: No sign of baldness whatsover!
• Con: It looks like I'll never tell where the bodies are buried.

Rear View

 

• Con: There is an illusion of baldness right around the area where I would wear a yarmulka, if I were inclined to own such a thing.
• Con: The flash makes it seem like I have flecks of gray hair.
• Con: It's just a bad, misleading photograph. I should have written a review about Wendy's skill as a photographer.