Much of what is wrong in the world can be traced to a proclivity among people to not seriously look at their hair. People look at their hair in a front-facing mirror, and think, unaccountably, that this is how they look to other people.

This, you see, is why comb-overs exist.

Suspecting that my male pattern baldness might be worse than it looks to me in the mirror, I recently commissioned my wife to photograph my head from several different angles. I have studied these photographs and am now prepared to offer an objective analysis of my hair.

Front View

First, a few observations about my general appearance:

• I was not drunk when this photo was taken, merely unprepared.
• My eyes really are usually about this far closed. My eyelids are very heavy (they’re a lead/clay composite) and so it’s difficult to keep my eyes open at all.
• You know what happens if you keep your (Spocklike) right eyebrow ironically arched all the time? You eventually develop wrinkles on the right side of your forehead, that’s what.
• I had this picture taken ten minutes after I shaved, yet there is a noticeable shadow. This must be because I shave with a razor that has only three blades (I believe the current standard is seven).

Now, on to my hair, from this point of view: ie, the one I see in the mirror.

• Pro: Not even a hint of gray hair. At age 40, my hair remains the same color it has always been.
• Con: I seem to have two hairlines. There’s the definite, dark hairline waaaay up at the top of my head, and then there’s a wispy, sad little hairline a little further down, where a few hanger-on hairs have not yet got the memo that this battle is lost.
• Undecided: I like my sideburns, but do not know if they are the right length to be fashionable. I worry that they are too short to be cool, but too long to be dignified.
• Pro: My hair is cut with a number 2 electric razor. It takes less than five minutes. I do not have to spend any time at all doing anything with my hair.
• Con: It’s quite evident to all and sundry that my hair is cut with a number 2 electric razor and that I do not spend any time at all doing anything with my hair.

Side View

It’s here at the side view that you can see I need to drop a few pounds. I just love the way my chin just sort of becomes my neck, without any evidence whatsoever of a jawline. OK, let’s talk about hair.

• Pro: From this point of view, my widow’s peak seems to extend down further than I expected it to.
• Con: The hair growing down my neck looks decidedly scruffy. That said, I believe that’s true of every straight man in America (gay men have the decency to trim that neck hair).
• Pro: You know, I have a very nice-looking right ear. It looks just like an ear ought to look. Hanging lobe (but not hanging too far), nicely rounded at the top, stays flat against my head. My right ear may be my best feature. It’s a shame I’m not reviewing my ears today.
• Con: From this perspective, my short hair looks decidedly fuzzy, especially at the top.
• Pro: From here, it looks like I’m not going bald in the back. That’s good.
• Con: My hairline clearly recedes further back than I thought. That’s not good.

Top View (Back)

This may be the best picture ever taken of me. Most flattering, in any case. As far as I can tell, there’s nothing but upside:

• Pro: My hair does not seem to be thinning in the back. You can see the scalp, sure, but that’s because my hair is only 1/2 inch long.
• Pro: The whorl pattern at the top of my head is nicely understated, with no cowlicks or anything of the sort. Even, consistent hair. I could be a top-back-of-the-head model.
• Pro: From here, it looks like my hairline is much further forward than it actually is. I wonder if I could arrange for all photos of me, from this point forward, to be of the top-back of my head?

Top View (Front)

I admit to being dismayed at this photo. Consider:

• Con: My hairline—my honest hairline, meaning the point on my head where you can see more hair than scalp—now seems to be at the very top of my skull.
• Con: Is that a shadow, or is my head really the shape of a light bulb?
• Con: This is not hair-related, but this photo makes it absolutely clear: the top half of my nose is a lighter color than the bottom half. Nice.
• Con: My hairline is quite clearly a peninsula. This is the second-most ridiculous kind of hairline a man can have.
• Con: My hairline is trending toward an island (a tuft of hair in a sea of baldness at the front of the head), which is the first-most ridiculous kind of hairline a man can have.

Conclusion and Recommendation

Both on quantity and quality, the cons of my hair clearly outweigh the pros. It pains me to say this, but I cannot recommend my hair, and must advise against male-pattern baldness of the variety I seem to have.

-Elden