As a writer, you want to provide your readers with a high-quality experience, don’t you? Yes, of course you do. So of course you use all the writing tools at your disposal: words, white space, capitalization, and—naturally—punctuation.

But, just as not all words are equally good (“defenestration” is a much better word than “tintinnabulation”), some punctuation marks are of higher quality than others. To help writers everywhere produce only the freshest, brightest, Nordstrom-quality text available (and to help said writers refrain from using cheap, second-hand punctuation), an evaluation of the relative merit of many frequently-encountered punctuation marks follows.

Period (.)

The simple dot that is the period belies the fact that this is the single most-common form of punctuation used today. The form of the period is as simple as it is elegant: a simple dot. The function of the period is understated, yet vital: it says, “This sentence is over.” With no additional frills, no unnecessary flourishes, the period does its job, quietly, unobtrusively, efficiently. This is the standard by which all other punctuation must be judged. Very Highly Recommended

Comma (,)

The comma is the period’s hard-drinking cousin. Certainly, you can see the family resemblance. But while the period is all self-contained respectability and clarity, the comma doesn’t seem to know what he (yes, he) is really all about. “I separate clauses in sentences,” says the comma. Fine. But he also acts as a separator of thoughts, an iterator of lists, or even a vague pause to maintain the rhythm of a sentence. And just look at the comma: it is clearly not doing anything so important as ending a sentence, yet it shows off a fancy little tail as if to proclaim its devil-may-care attitude and rebel status in the world of punctuation. To the comma, I say: “Shape up, grow up, and decide what you’re going to do with your life.” Not Recommended for Quality Literature, Suitable for Comic Books and Romance Novels Only

Colon (:)

The merry prankster of punctuation, the colon is always good for a laugh. First, it is named after part of your butt. That’s funny. Next, it is two periods, one on top of another, which would—on the face of it—seem to convey that the writer wishes to convey that the sentence is not only over, but that it is really over. But—and this really floors me—that is not what the colon means at all! Instead, this acrobatic pair of periods indicates that either a list follows, or that the next item follows from the previous item. Since the reader would no doubt have figured this out without the help of the colon, it is an entirely unnecessary form of punctuation. Which is itself a pretty clever joke. Well played, colon! Well played indeed! Recommended for When One Wants to be Hilarious

Semicolon (;)

The semicolon is intended to convey that two thoughts within a single sentence are closely enough related that they should not be separated by a period; instead, those thoughts are separated by what looks to be the horribly disfigured love-child of a period and a comma. As if the noble period would ever stoop to the level of having relations with the trashy, tawdry comma. Frankly, I’m offended by the very sight of the semicolon. And do you really think there are any thoughts that are so intertwined that they couldn’t be made separate sentences? No, I didn’t think so. Not Recommended Under Any Circumstances

Question Mark (?)

I have two minor quarrels with the function of the question mark. First: It indicates that the sentence just concluded is a question, which is all well and good. But really, if the reader hasn’t figured out that the sentence is a question by the time he (for all readers of questions are male) gets to the end of that sentence, can the writer defensibly say that the question is well-formed? Second: The shape of the question mark is overly ostentatious and contrived. Recommended, with a Caution for Rewrite

Exclamation Point (!)

This punctuation mark is great! It adds vitality and emphasis to your writing, which are highly desirable attributes! The form of the exclamation point goes hand in hand with its function; the period at the bottom indicating that it, too, ends a sentence, and the vertical slash conveying action. Highly Recommended! Use Liberally!!!

Ellipses (…)

The ellipses are fundamentally flawed. Consider: the simple period ends a sentence conclusively. Sequential periods, then, should end a sentence even more conclusively. Instead, the ellipsis doesn’t end a sentence at all, but instead shows a trailing off or missing thought. Why, dear reader, would that ever be desirable? It’s wishy-washy punctuation, and does not show proper respect to the period. Not Recommended for Lucid People

Em-dash(—)

The em-dash indicates a break in the thread of the sentence, and is usually used when the writer doesn’t know the actual correct punctuation mark to use. I have a recommendation to writers who use the em-dash: instead, just type “I’m stupid and don’t know the correct punctuation mark to use here” where you were going to put the em-dash. It’s more honest, and may well be the most accurate thing you write that day. Recommended for Buffoons and Charlatans

Parentheses(())

The parentheses were once a powerful tool to indicate a subtle, nested thought within another thought. The sweeping form of the mirrored marks couched the remark within the sentence, protecting it from all intruders. Sadly, those days are gone forever. The parentheses have been cheapened by emoticons. It is no longer possible to look at a parenthesis without turning your head sideways and trying to figure out what face the writer was trying to draw. Sadly, No Longer Recommended

Ampersand (&)

This isn’t even punctuation. It’s the word “and.” Or, more specifically, it’s the latin word “Et,” smooshed together. One has to wonder: what is this doing on the keyboard? Did keyboard designers think that we all use the word “and” so often it needed its own key? If so, where’s my “it” key? Or my “of” key? And don’t even get me started on the appearance of the ampersand. It’s beyond pretentious. It’s labyrinthine. Ampersand, give it up. You’re not fooling anybody. Recommended for Purging from Keyboards Everywhere

-Elden