Before I get started on this review, I want to make one thing exquisitely clear. What I am writing is chock full of spoilers. In point of fact, there will be precious little text in this review that is not a spoiler.

In short, count on some spoilage.

Purpose of this Review
I take it as understood that as a viewing experience the second Pirates of the Caribbean (POC) movie is mediocre. It's possible that the third one will redeem it, but I don't think so.

However, as an homage to Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back (SW2), Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest (POC2) excels, and gives us some important clues to the presumably exciting conclusion to the trilogy.

The purpose of this review, then, is to explicate and explore these elements.

Let's get started.

Cast Comparisons
The place where one first notices the similarities between the Star Wars and Pirates of the Caribbean movies is in the characters. Consider:

• Will Turner / Luke Skywalker: Luke Skywalker is an orphan whose father is clearly dead--but important to the film's plot--in the first Star Wars movie (SW1). It also turns out he has some skill with a light sabre. Will Turner, on the other hand, is an orphan whose father is clearly dead--but important to the plot--in the first POC movie. Oh, and he has some skill at a metal sabre. In SW1, Luke Skywalker is in love with a beautiful brunette far above his station: Princess Leia. Will Turner, in POC1, is in love with a beautiful brunette far above his station. I'm sure all of that is pure coincidence, though. Just like it's a coincidence that in the second film of the respective trilogies, their fathers both turn out to be alive, horribly disfigured, and in the service of a powerful, evil being.
• Leia / Elizabeth: Leia's a princess, Elizabeth's a governor's daughter. Both are feisty. Both function almost entirely as human Maguffins in the first movie: A ragtag crew flies across the galaxy to rescue Leia; a ragtag crew sales across the sea to rescue Elizabeth. By the second movie, however, both become dynamic, aggressive characters in spite of the social mores that would -- in their respective cultures -- ordinarily frown on this kind of behavior. In SW1, it looks like Luke and Leia will become an item. In POC1, Elizabeth and Will seem destined for each other. In each case, however, a surprising breakout character (Han Solo / Captain Jack Sparrow) had stolen the show and caused what looks like hasty rewriting dictated by the studio bosses for the second film, where Leia seems to get the hots for Han and Elizabeth makes out with Jack Sparrow. Which brings up the question: Holy crap, were the screenwriters of the POC movies even trying to disguise the fawning way in which they duplicated the Star Wars saga?
• Han Solo / Captain Jack Sparrow: Han Solo is the quirky, roguish outlaw captain of an ugly-but-fast spaceship which he loves more than just about anything, and which he acquired through questionable means. He often has ulterior motives and plays by his own rules--rules which shift frequently--but fundamentally has a good heart. Oh, I can see that my comparison breaks down entirely here, because of course Jack Sparrow isn't a quirky, roguish outlaw of an ugly-but-fast spaceship, which he loves more than just about anything. And of course Jack Sparrow never had ulterior motives, and doesn't frequently wind up surprising everybody by doing the right thing.
• Davey Jones / Jabba the Hutt: Han Solo owes a massive debt he must repay to the slimy, evil, powerful Jabba the Hutt. Captain Sparrow, on the other hand, owes a massive debt he must repay to the slimy, evil, powerful Davey Jones. Both Davey Jones and Jabba the Hutt look victorious by the end of the second film in their respective series -- Han Solo's trapped in carbonite, Jack Sparrow's trapped in a big ol' sandworm (confusingly, sandworms appear in the second POC movie [and they're underwater sandworms, no less!] while they don't appear until the beginning of the third SW movie). However, Han Solo wasn't captured by Jabba the Hutt until near the end of SW2, whereas Jack Sparrow was captured by Davey Jones almost at the very end of POC2. The differences are staggering!
• R2D2 & C3PO / The Guy With the Wooden Eye and His Lover: Both of these pairs are quibbling-but-inseparable duos with the primary purpose of providing comic relief and patching occasional plot holes. The only distinction is that one of the loveable sidekick pairs is made of metal. Oh, and also I don't think anyone ever proved that R2D2 and C3PO are gay, either.

Plot Comparisons
The East India Trading Company (or whatever it is) is the POC version of SW's Empire. SW's "Force" is POC's magic. I swear, when Jack Sparrow was having trouble using his magic compass, I thought we were going to hear Ben Kenobi intone, "Clear your mind."

Sequel Status Comparisons
So, presuming the POC series continues to map closely to the SW series, what can we expect? I'm afraid the news isn't good:

• Sparrow and Elizabeth to Become Lovers: You know, apart from the whole "Luke Had the Hots for and Furthermore Kissed His Sister" grossness, I found the Leia/Solo thing fine. The craven market-driven-ness of swapping Elizabeth to Sparrow, though, bugs me a lot. 
• Evil Empire East India Trading Company Dealt a Crushing Blow: Wouldn't it be awesome if this underpowered, against-all-odds crew of murderous thieves turned out to be altruistic at heart, and didn't just destroy their personal enemies, but also a symbol of the evil they represent? In SW3, it was the killing of the emperor and destruction of (another) Death Star. For POC3, I'm guessing the East India Trading Company is gonna suffer, and suffer big.
• Will Turner Gets a Consolation Prize: In SW3, Luke redeemed his father, his consolation prize for not getting the hot, rich chick he was originally after. I'm sure that won't happen to Will Turner in POC3, though. That would be too wacky.
• Ewoks. The final POC film will have the pirate equivalent of Ewoks. Like, maybe they discover the lost boys or something like that.
• Another Trilogy, Probably Showing Us Captain Jack Sparrow as a Youth: Yeah, that'd be an awesome trilogy. As in, it wouldn't taint the original at all.

Rating and Projected Final Winner
POC1 is 42% better than SW1, mostly through our shock at the wonderful Jack Sparrow character and the way SW1 doesn't really hold up all that well if you watch it as an adult and notice what terrible dialogue is in the film and what paper-thin characters Lucas had created.

SW2, on the other hand, is 94% better than POC2. SW2 took the cardboard characters and fleshed them out, had brilliant action and drama, and made us crazy with excitement for the final installment of the SW series (this anticipation made the lameness of SW3 all the more disappointing). POC2, by contrast, does not have any exciting new characters and is instead now a retread of the SW series.

Before we can render a final verdict on the POC series, we'll have to see the third film. On average, POC is currently running at a 52% deficit, so the third film must be 52.1% better than SW3.

Luckily for the makers of the POC series, SW3 sucked so bad (once they escaped from the sandworm) that making a movie 53% better should be easy. That said, the current trend doesn't look good for POC. My best guess is that it will suck almost exactly as much as SW3, hence ceding series superiority to SW.

I, for one, can hardly wait for the third POC film, to find out which series is the final victor.

Just kidding.

--Elden